City Of Gnomes
by PajamaTime
Summary: Jace has lost his mind. He has a new lust for blood-shed and a whole new target..Clary. Blinded by his undying love for Simon and driven mad by his tragic past, he will stop at nothing to win the heart of his beloved. Meanwhile, Clary comes to terms with her burning sexual desire for Alec and tries her best to cope with Jace's actions. (not to be taken seriously).
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: This is based on Mortal instruments, based after City of Lost Souls. Don't take it seriously though - we didn't. Enjoy...**

Chapter 1

Clary looks at Jace's solemn face.

"It'll be fine lad." she says to him with an Irish accent, slapping his bonny arse.

Jace erupts in laughter . "My Clary, such a funny girl"

Clary curtseys and pulls up her top for no apparent reason.

"Let's go have dinner" she says to him, he shakes his head. Clary frowns.

"Why not?"

Jace's gaze is empty like a bag full of muffins. He steps forward, as if he is about to kiss her. When he is arms length away from her a stone is teleported to his hand, he throws it at Clary, it grazes across her forehead spewing blood. She yelps and drops to the floor.

"Jace" she says shocked and hurt. Jace's eyes are full of anguish. He turns and runs into the Strip Club down the road. "JACE" Clary screams again. But it is no use. Dobby is dead.

...

Clary walks down the street with a tomato in her hand. "Ooh, baby," she murmurs to her tomato.

She leans against a lamppost and grazes the tomato's skin with her buck tooth teeth. An explosion of tomato juice fills her mouth and she does her best impressions of various sea creatures before chucking it at a drunken pilot.

"There's a little girl over there staring at you" The woman beside Clary at the bus stop says, whilst shaving her legs. Clary looks up.

Jace is standing across the street, staring at her and rubbing his member. "Jace" she says astonished. Jace turns quickly and runs.

"Oh no you don't!" Clary exclaims and runs after him. Jace runs into an alley way, trying to get his hands out of his pants, to find a dead end. He groans and picks up a brick. Reaching the end of the alleyway, Clary snorts.

"You're bluffing; you wouldn't throw a brick at me, no matter how much you think you're like Valentine. You wouldn't" her voice sounds doubtful.

Jace hurls the brick.

He had been intending for it to whistle past her barbwire-like hair, but instead it collided with her face, snapping her Nubian nose.

"Clary-Fairy!" Jace's scream was an unearthly thing.

He sprints to kneel next to her.

"Why?" Clary whimpers. Without answering, Jace smashes his lips to her own and is immediately smothered in tomato paste; clutching at her blood-drenched hair. Clary can't breath, but she can fart at least.

Clary is in pain. She is losing blood fast. She is going to die. But she let Jace kiss her, because no matter what she felt, _Alec would still be gay. _

...

Clary wakes up to the smell of damp earth. Everything is quiet. She cannot see anything but darkness. Gasping, she burrows herself out of the ground like a pigeon, and jumps on the first thing she sees – Simon.

"Clary!" Simon says, Clary bites his forehead and lurched to lick his toes. He screams a high pitched yowl of torment. Then someone or something is yanking her off him. "Get off him" It's Luke "You scrawny bitch! You statutory rapist! And you stabbed my wall!" he yells at her. She falls to the floor, and she rolls around pretending to be a Sasquatch.

"Who's that little girl over there?" someone says.

Clary looks to see Jace's thin figure gyrating in the distance by a thin fringe of trees.

"Jace" she says. As if hearing her, Jace bounds towards her, instead of away. _This is progress, _She thinks, but instead of stopping by her, he stops beside Simon's fallen figure, clutching the boy's bloodless cheeks. He let out a howl of agony (with a hint of sexual pleasure).

"SIMON!" he wails, and jerks back to look at Clary. Clary is taken aback by the terror in his eyes.

"Jace, I... I..."

"We'll talk later" he shoots her a glare and turns back to Simon. She can see the tendons in his neck all the way from where she was genuflecting.

"Kay..." Clary responds, remembering how Jace had held her in Renwick's all those weeks ago, cradling her close to him and whispering her name. He now did the same with Simon.

...

She finds Jace on the roof of the institute smoking weed; humming a Celine Dion song, with his free hand in his... _pocket_, Clary Presumes.

"Smells good" she remarks indicating the blunt.

He looks back to see her, and scrambles to his feet. "You should not have hurt Simon!" he says abruptly. He spoke Simon's name with great affection, never had he spoken with such lust and longing.

"Since when do you like Simon?"

"Since he made me DINNER!" He shrieks, remembering the sweet connection he felt when Simon had took the mango from his BARE hands and dropped it, so_, so_ gracefully into the shopping basket.

"SIMON cannot cook" She retorts, pointing to her elbow.

"He can too!" He points to his vagina.

"So he's your best friend now is he?" Clary is ashamed to hear her chipmunk voice crack.

"Shut the hell up"

"...why are you being so mean? Throwing bricks at me and running away from me and making dinner with _Simon!_" Yells Clary, pointing to the greased-up deaf guy across the road.

Jace does not answer.

There is a long pause, during which several things happen. The greased up deaf guy let out a yelp of excitement as the two elementary school kids ran away in terror from his cloth-less body, church died and a monk in the Netherlands rubbed his tum-tum. Jace inhales and says;

"It's because I love you Clary. I love you. More than a balloon needs air, more than water needs moisture, more than the sun needs light. More than Valentine needs liposuction. More than Hodge needs ecstasy. More than Sebastian needs porn. More than Robert Lightwood needs a husband. I love you Clary, you were the first dream of my soul and you shall be my last. I dream of you all the time, and even long after I kill you I shall dream of you."

"_You're going to kill me_?" Clary's voice trembles.

"Yes, because I _LOVE_ YOU"

Clary is astonished. "I don't _understand_"

"You never do!" He yells, and throws his packet of weed at her face.

"HEY!" she yells, humiliated.

"FUCK OFF CLARY. And come back when you're tall enough to ride the bus on your own!"

Clary stares. And stares. Then finally turns and leaves. She stops at the window and looks back. Jace is smoking weed again, like nothing happened.

...

The next day, Clary is plucking her eyebrows. She looks in the mirror. How can Jace be so mean to her? How? - She is beautiful; with long red hair just like the tendrils of anemones. Her bright green eyes, the same colour as the mould at the crooks of her knees. And she has grown too. She was tall enough now to suck him off standing up.

The doorbell rings and she moves to answer it. She is startled to see Jordan at the doorstep and not the delivery man with her monthly blow-up doll.

"Hey Sistaaaaaah" he yelps.

"Whazzuuuup!" she says, then realises she is still wearing her nun scarf and tucks it into her tiny bra. She gives him the regulation punch in the crotch; their decided form of greeting.

Jordan steps in without being asked and hits her in her face with his elbows.

"OW!" she yells "What was that for?"

"I was wondering if you have cocoa butter, my elbows are super DRY – and I like hitting nuns."

"I'm not a nun

"Says the NUN"

"Get out of my house"

"Get out of **my **house." Jordan raises an eyebrow

This stumps Clary for a moment, so she punches him in the crotch again and shrieks with all her might: "Werewolf whore, you think your sooo sexy! But you're NOT! I'MMMMM SEXY! Suck my butt!"

"..."

There is an awkward silence. Jordan wipes away a silent tear.

There is a toilet flush, an overwhelming smell of wolf vagina and animal poop, and then Luke appears. He is holding an ample bag of cocaine and a razor blade.

"Clary your scrawny nose is bleeding." He says then pauses to swipe his tongue against Jordan's forehead and then turns to Clary. "Your mother is looking for you"

Clary wonders how Luke could possibly know but nods and walks into the living room anyway where her mother is performing palates in a Forsaken costume "Hello Clarissa" she says.

"What the fuck mom!" Clary says. Her mother raises her eyebrows and pauses mid thrust.

"Don't waddafuck me, I found stuff on your clothes yesterday" she tells Clary.

Clary is confused (like always). "What stuff?"

"Specks of weed. That boy is involved. Jace. I just know it" Luke hides his cocaine in his purple dungarees.

Clary, pulls out the Seraph blade from her latex thigh-high red boots, along with a multitude of pennies. "Israpheal" she commands and plunges it into her mother's Forsaken suit "I LOVE JACE, hear me and tremble, WHORE. LOVE. Something you and Luke will never have."

She smiles, satisfied and launches out of the window, leaping into Luke's truck gunning the engine and backing out of the driveway.

She reaches the Institute and presses the elevator button. While she is waiting, she slides her pants down her waist, looking around to see if anyone was watching and then poops a gnome. She pulls up her pants just as the elevator doors slide open, Jace is standing there. "Clary Fairy" he says, and lunges towards her, wrapping her in his tweedy embrace. He smells like sweat and pie rolls. Once they are done kissing. Jace steps away, and all of a sudden plunges his hand in his pants and poops a stone into his hand. He brings it out and grins feverishly at Clary.

"Jace. WHAT IS THAT?" Clary squeals backing away.

"Porous Rock, does wonders for the feet I hear"

Then he throws it at her. She ducks, flying into the pews.

"Damn" he scowls, slapping himself and calling himself names in Czechoslovakian. Then he notices the gnome on the floor. "When'd that get there?" he asks.

Sweat beads on Clary's forehead. "Who knows," she says with a nonchalant shrug. Jace looks at her, then back at the gnome, back and forth, until his eyes are sore.

His gaze finally rests on Clary. He gives her an accusing scowl.

Clary backs away into a pillar behind her, her heart thumping in her chest. She watches as Jace's hands ball into fists. He licks his lips attentively.

"Jace..." Even to her own ears her voice is weak. "Jace, calm down, don't... don't do anything rash" her tone is pleading. His scowl quirks up at the corner, giving her a very lopsided grin.

"Clary" he whispers stepping forward. "Come here" he says, he dips his hand into his pocket and then frowns. "Damn" he says, then his eyes drop to the gnome. "Ah, fate has brought this glorious porcelain creature to me, to show my undying love for you" his eyes flick back to Clary. Clary's breath hitches in her throat.

Jace does the fastest pirouette she had ever seen and the Gnome is in his hand.

"I told you I love you. But I'm afraid I have to show you. I'll never forget you. Never."

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

Clary sips her coffee and lets out a shuddering sigh. The past week had been so crazy. Jace was at breaking point. She knew he had started suffering from the day he thought she was his sister, and even after they knew the truth, those haunting dreams took over him, and all that on top of his terrible childhood and the burden of thinking he'll grow up to be like Valentine was too much for him too bear. At first Clary felt what he did; that suffering of never being together, and then she empathised with him for the troubles he was going through, she wagered that their love for one another was powerful enough to overcome anything. Now she thought different. Jace has finally hit rock bottom. And she was certain that there was nothing, nothing that could help him now.

"So let me get this straight" Simon says snapping her out of her reverie. "On numerous occasions, Jace Wayland-Morgenstern-Lightwood-Herondale has had phases in which he is possessed by an unknown force to throw solid objects at you -in recent occasions being a gnome- to prove his undying love for you?"

"Yup, that's pretty much it"

"So, he's thrown a stone, a brick, another stone, and a gnome at you so far"

"Mhm" Clary rolls her eyes, _why won't this spastic blood-and-cock-sucking mongoose leave me alone for once in my pathetic life. – wait did I just insult myself? _She thought for a moment, sucking on a cheese string...

"Are you sure?" Simon asks in his annoying voice while picking his nose and flicking a booger at her. She _loathes_ him. He is one of the reasons Jace has been acting so defensively towards her, she thinks, he has stolen Jace's heart and kept it well out of Clary's limited reach.

"Yes Simon, do you not see my swollen Nubian nose, my decaying broken teeth, the wheelchair I am sitting in because of my broken legs and pelvis and this gigantic bruise on my lip?"

"Well, I just thought you had a drop lip" Simon says.

"Thanks butt-faggot-fuck-wit" She says, chucking a spanner at his man boob. Simon opens his mouth to retort, but Clary doesn't hear his words for her mind is wandering back to three days before, _Jace closing in on her, Gnome clasped in his hands, a contorted expression on his face._

_He steps closer, singing 'S my D' by J Bigga - "It's sexy time! Face down on the floor, spread that pussy wide, gonna beat it like a whore" – wink – "Tag team bitches, you know how we roll" His face full of demented hysteria along the way. Clary shuffles, trying to get around the pillar. She is going to die. Worse, Jace is going to be the one killing her. _**Why Raziel? **_**Why have you forsaken me?**__ She screams in her brain. _

_Raziel retorts from the clouds above, "bitch shut up, what have you ever done for me?" he shimmies his ample cleavage and sashays away._

_Clary closes her eyes, trying to conjure up happy memories, but all she sees is Jace jumping on a jam-packed suitcase, one hand clasped over a swollen, very-much-pregnant belly screaming "why won't this mother fucker close!" his eyes zero in on her and he smiles and rubs his belly, an evil glint in his eyes. "Guess who's impregnated" he says letting out a slow and meaningful fart that sounds like helium escaping from a balloon. She snaps her eyes open. _

_She is astonished at what she sees. Jace is on the floor, clutching his head, whispering "what am I doing" over and over again while Alec, stands over him, cradling the gnome in his arms whilst belting "through him with him in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all the glory and honour is yours, almighty father, forever and ever. Amen" he finishes and kneels down, placing the gnome at his feet and makes a gesture of closing its porcelain eyes. _

_Alec inhales deeply and looks at Jace's tormented figure. "See what you have done. You killed an innocent bystander, for what? What brother?"_

_Jace looks up at him with swollen eyes "He's not dead you faggot, and even if he was why would you sing that catholic hymn for?"_

"_Because I have MORALS Jace, MORALS" and smacks Jace across the jaw, Jace looks at Alec in horror. Alec smiles then caresses Jace's red jaw, "If you need me I'll be upstairs" he turns and prances away, leaping from tile to tile on the colourful institute floor. Jace and Clary watch as he twirled, mid-leap and began opera singing away. Clary can't help but stare at his rear-end as he descends down the hallway and sigh,__** Oh, Alec **__she thought._

_For a minute or two Clary stares at Jace, Jace is rocking back and forth sobbing uncontrollably, Clary makes a move to run, Jace looks up at the sound of her movement and raises a trembling finger to point at her. "YOU!" he hisses accusingly. _

_Clary freezes—he lurches to his feet—startled at his movement Clary screams, her high pitched ultra-sound squeal breaking the stained-glass windows around her and runs out of the Institute, her stocky legs taking her faster than she had ever moved before. Her head is in a daze, her heart beating rapidly in her chest; she runs into the street and fails to see the huge yellow school bus speeding towards her. She turns just in time to see Hodge in the front wheel screaming "I'm feeling sexy and free-ee, like glitters raining on me" a devilish grin breaking across his face like a butt crack. _

_The next thing she knows the front of the bus is slamming her against the greased-up deaf guy she had seen before, she felt contact with his bare-cloth-less skin and flinched, her legs flailing backwards in odd angles, the greased-up deaf guy cried out and dropped to the floor, out of harms way. Hodge drove the school bus, once, twice, three times, even, over Clary's stubby legs before driving away into the horizon, still singing in his polka-dot leotard. She moans in pain. Am I dead? She thinks. A shadow falls over her; she looks to see the enraged face of the half-naked greased-up deaf guy. _

"_Did you do that?" he aska, poking her with a zucchini, his voice is very high-pitched. She tries to shake her head, to say something, anything, but all that comes out is a gurgling sound, a flood of lettuce and finally a multitude of fish. The greased-up deaf guy looks astonished. _

"_ONE GUPPY TWO GUPPY THREE GUPPY –FOUR!" he chants for every fish that flops out of her mouth. Soon a crowd of hobo's gather around and join in, until finally there are no more fish left. The crowd mumble in dismay and slowly begin to part. The greased up deaf guy growls annoyed and thumps her in the face with his zucchini "greedy retard" he mutters and walks away. _

_Clary groans, another shadow falls over her, one of the hobo's, she thinks, and squints to look better. Under the scorching sun all she can tell is this was definitely NOT a hobo. _

"_Clary is that you" he asks. Clary responds by farting a segment of the alphabet. _

"_I knew it" he replies heaving her up with his strong lean arms onto his shoulder. She lets out another fart in relief; too tired to tell this handsome stranger thanks. _

_She awakes to the smell of sweat and shame. What was that all about? She wonders first. Her eyes roam the room, until it settles on a green, scaly demon handing someone – Magnus, she realises, a wad of cash. _

"_I had fun" the green demon snickers. _

_Magnus snickers back "Anytime you beast. Now get out of my house before the next one arrives" he winks and the demon disappears in a cloud fairy dust. Magnus sighs and turns around, his yellow eyes immediately locking with Clary's, he jumps surprised. _

_His eyes look pained and he hunches down to look at Clary "Don't tell Alec" he whispers, his voice pleads. Clary gives him a knowing smile, (as if she knew all along) and then moves to sit up, but her whole body aches like a beaver, a beaver in serious pain. _

_Magnus flaps a hand at her "Stay down" he says "dumb beaver" he adds under his breath. _

"_How did you find me?" she asks. Magnus stiffens and let's out a nervous laugh. _

"_Oh, no reason, I was just... passing by the neighbour hood and thought I'd say hey, I mean... it's not like I was with those hobo's chanting that guppy song, ahaha..." his eyes flick back and forth nervously, he looks everywhere but at Clary. _

_Clary nods. Then there is a knock at the door. Magnus opens the door and a hob goblin stands there "Hey frisky-lover" it says waggling its dung-beetle eyebrows at him. Magnus gulps and turns to Clary. "Uh, well I'd love to let you stay here a recover from your injuries a little longer, however, duty calls" he says indicating the hobgoblin. _

"_But-" Clary begins but Magnus brings his hands together in a clap of blue fire._

"_It's not that I want you to go" he says modestly, "I just don't want you to stay" his hands meet again and Clary is flung through a wave of magical energy and arrives on a narrow bed in an unfamiliar room._

_Unfamiliar until she sees all the pornographic posters of naked wolves on the wall, then she notices Jordan standing in front of a mirror, naked except for his briefs, spraying Usher cologne between his toes, singing "beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. His cups his man boobs under his meaty hands and finally spots Clary in his mirror, staring wide-eyed but approvingly at him. He gasps and lets out a howl of agony. He spins in a circle to face Clary while falling to his knees in humiliation. Mia's voice echoes from the bathroom "What's wrong Jordy-Pie?" she calls. _

"_N-nothing" he replies. "What are you doing here" he hisses at Clary. _

_Clary opens her mouth to speak, but three little chipmunks crawl out of her mouth before she can, breaking into an acapella version of "Survivor" by Destiny Child. Clary looks at them surprised, what did Magnus do to her? She pushes them back down her throat, she'll ask him later, then she sees Jordan looking at them hungrily and throws the last one out the window. _

_Jordan gulps down his hunger and returns his gaze to her face "well?" he asks. Just then, Mia steps out of the bathroom, in a racy demon costume. "Jordaan" she says "I've been a bad, bad demon, what're you gonna do about it, Attack me! Attack me!" she chants in a voice surprisingly similar to Dobby from Harry Potter, "Attack me! Attack me! Attackkk—Clary! – OH shit" she yells "What are you doing here" without waiting for an answer, her eyes move in from Clary and Jordan's still cupped man-boobs. She scowls. _

"_I knew you would do this to me!" she screams trying to tear off her suit. She growls in anger and stomps off out the room, disappearing down the corridor, followed by a list of cuss words, she returns momentarily in a pretzel costume "You ugly bitch-cock go home and suck your moms saggy titties why dontchya, you fat-baby, I'll bet she'd like it since she's the only woman you know how to respect, rotten, mother fucking son of a lowlife masturbating, vagazzle-licking noobface frog-toad butt-ass nipple-froth goat-armpit-sniffing giraffe-sucking pedestrian mutt"_

_Jordan stares at her, "Mutt?" he repeats with a whimper, as if everything else was nothing compared to this one short word. Mia smiles satisfied and pats her vagina before leaving._

_She turns one last time and pees through her pretzel costume and yells "Clean that up dip shit" and with a malevolent laugh throws a smoke bomb on the floor, Clary was expecting to see empty space, but Mia still stood there after the smoke dissipated choking her guts out. "Stupid china-town smoke bombs" she says and throws her middle finger up at Jordan as if it was his fault and walks out the front door, only to reopen in and slam it shut again, before chucking in a chicken dick. _

_Clary gapes, and then snaps her jaw shut to look at Jordan's sullen face. "Jordan I am SO sorry" she drawls. _

_Jordan looks at her, and waves his hand dismissvely "Don't worry about it, it happens at least three times a day" _

_Clary tries to raise an eyebrow but instead bulges out her left eye like a lizard having an orgasm. Jordan recoils a little away from her."Yeah..." Jordan says smiling ruefully. _

_Clary gives him a wry smile back, "funny, that's what Jace does to me"_

"_Fuck yeah" Jordan whoops and they high-five each other, Jordan reaches to elbow her in the face, while she swings her fist into his crotch, they both recoil in pain. _

_..._

Clary snaps out of her flashback. Simon's seat is empty, had he left? She looks around and discovers that Simon is stood atop the counter of the coffee shop, strip teasing in front of a bunch of firemen, they whoop and cheer as Simon pulls a baked potato out of his unzipped fly and brings it to his fanged mouth. He traces his tongue over it slowly and the firemen go wild. With a wink and a hip thrust he chucks the potato at a fireman's face. The fireman screams like a little fan girl yelling "he through it at me, **me!"** in joy.

Clary stands up aghast, she's about to yell at Simon to put his shirt back on and get off the counter but there is an ear-splitting sound of shattering glass. She squeals like a tuna fish, bracing her head with her bandaged hands. Glass rains over her like guacamole. Something crashes against the wheel of her wheel chair, sending her spinning towards the wall. She hits the wall and uses her hands to balance herself. The firemen run out screaming, their hands groping each other.

Simon races toward Clary, the shards of glass bouncing of his marble-like skin. "Clary, what happened? Did my potato hit you?!" he asks concerned and looks towards the potato on the floor, he shakes his fist at it, lip trembling; looking as if he wanted to scold it, but stops himself instead.

"No." Clary chokes, and looks around to see what had hit her. Her heart pummels in her chest when she sees the gnome she had pooped several days ago, lying on the floor a few feet away, smiling merrily up at her, a note taped to its torso.

Simon inches towards it and picks it up, detaching the note from its breast he hands it to Clary. With trembling fingers Clary unfolds it. It reads;

_Clary, how are you doing?_

_Good, good. I'm doing well too. I haven't seen you in a while. Wonder why that is. Won't get my hopes up though_

_I've realised I've been very foolish lately. If this is going to work, we need to play fair with each other. We should deal with it like mature sophisticated adults. _

_LET'S PLAY A GAME. _

_It's called. __**KILL THE LEPRECHAUN **_

_The rules are;_

_1. I kill you. You die_

_- No cheating. Only Jace is allowed to cheat. _

_XXXXXXxxxxXXXX _

_P.S: Keep your mitts off my man. I love you. MWAH!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Clary bustles down the road. Every two seconds peering over her shoulder down at the road away from the institute. She had gone there in hope of seeing Alec. Beautiful, beautiful Alec; **_**just because he's gay, doesn't mean he isn't attracted to me**_**, she thinks, e**_**ven gay people have to be attracted to me; I mean I'm so fucking hot**_**. She catches her reflection in a shop window as she passes. She stops and stares at herself for a little bit, tilting her head from side to side. Yes, how can anybody not be attracted to her? **

**Clary shimmies her shoulders and rolls her hips down to the ground, then grinds her way back up, she unzips her coat and flings it onto a 3 year old nun. She begins beat-boxing, relieved to be rid of that wretched wheel chair. It made her seem so short. She smushed her butt against the window and slid it across the dewy expanse of it. Her butt came away from the window leaving a coat of Clary juice behind. She jiggles her butt some more, grinning."You like" she asks her reflection in a Russian accent. **

**She hears a choked sound, half-way between a laugh and a cry of restraint. **

**Alec.**

**Clary turns on her heel slowly and gasps mortified. She drops to her hands and knees whinnying and somersaulting. She looks like a cat about to throw up a donkey shaped furball. The wet grit on the floor sticks to her palms. **

**Alec is standing a few paces away from her on the street. He is wearing an oversized grey sweatshirt that shows off his collarbones, he holds the insides of an egg in his hand. **

**Clary stops hissing at the damp ground and looks at him "how much of that did you see"**

"**Enough to know I'm still gay" **

"**Still gay?" She whispers. She clutches the clockwork-turkey around her neck and backs away. Everything was fading away, fast. She screams with all her might. This can't be happening. She shrieks until her throat and chest hurt. **

"Shut the hell up, you whore." It was Jace.

Her eyes snap open.

She lies face down, in one of the many spare rooms of the institute. Jace's tall figure looms over her; his eyes shadowed by his lank, silver hair.

"Prince Caspian" she hears her startled voice murmur to him.

"No it's Jace" he replies a scowl on his lips "you disgust me" he adds spitting on her face.

Clary is so confused. Jace leans forward, so that he is only inches apart from her face. "Bad dream?" he asks.

"No" she says, she finds the hem of his shirt and uses it to wipe his spit off her face. "Bad memory" she finishes. Jace shrugs, unconcerned and steps away.

"I have a present for you Clary-Fairy" he says. Clary's eyes lit up. A twinkle of hope lights her veins. Was Jace back to normal, finally?

Jace lifts his hand, a stone sitting forlornly on his palm "Good bye, my sweet mosquito" his voice thick with a Mexican accent, although he is from Zimbabwe. Clary begins to scream, and suddenly the bedroom door bursts open.

Isabelle walks in cradling Max's dead body, several biscuits glued onto her knees. Her face is round with tears. "He's dead.." she whimpers gazing at Jace.

Jace gapes and does the worm. "Yes Iz, I know, he died months ago"

Isabelle blinks, once, twice, thrice, she looks down at max's surprisingly fresh and healthy face. "Oh" she says "I forgot" She stands there for a few awkward moments. She raises her head back to look at Jace, her face expressionless. She growls and hurls Max's body at him. "I'm going to the spinach factory with Simon. Take care of Max while I'm gone"

Jace pushes Max off him with a tortured glare towards Isabelle's retreating figure. "SIMON?!" he screams horrified after her "_MY _SIMON?" he clutches his hair with a screech of agony and then begins somersaulting out the door after her.

Clary sits on the bed, puzzled for several hours. She eventually picks herself out of bed, and drags Max's body to the bathtub, where she lays him down lovingly. She fills the bathtub up with lukewarm water and squeezes in a bottle full of baby bath liquid too. She places a shower cap on Max's head and positions a back scrubber in his limp hand. She sighs and walks out of the bathroom, flicking the light switch off.

"Have a good one Maximillion" she whispers.

Back in the bedroom she decides to collect her thoughts. When had her life gotten so out of hand and bizarre? First Jace acquires some crazy ability to teleport stones into his hands and he decides out of nowhere that it was Clary's time to die, and then she gets run over by a bus and spends a whole _week_ moving around in a wheel chair. And then she finds out Alec is s_till gay. _Even after she rubs her butt against the window of a toy store, scaring countless children, he still feels nothing for her.

_Clary remembered that day as if it was yesterday but in reality it was 2 days ago. Her screaming had filled the entire street, Alec had stayed and smirked for a while, but then he got scared and ran away. _

_Clary had chased him all the way to the institute, but had only gone as far as his bedroom doorway before he slammed the door in her face. She still remembers how tense it was in the lift up to the institute. Alec kept pressing the button urging the elevator to go faster while she longed for the moment to last forever. _

_After Alec had slammed his door, Clary hula-danced outside his room for hours screeching Celine Dion lyrics at the top of her lungs until she no longer felt the urge to visit Azkaban. She had given up and retired to one of the spare dormitories. She had locked the doors cautious of Jace; he didn't know she was there at the Institute, or so she had thought. She had lain down on the bed and closed her eyes only to snap them back open and see Jace shoot out from under the bed, hand-bag in hand, he described the many ways he was to kill her until she was bored to unconsciousness "what kinda bees make milk, huh Clary? What kind?-BOO-BEES!"he had yelled for no apparent reason._

Sighing, Clary trudges out of the dusty room, allowing herself one last longing glance at Alec's scuffed, raisin-coated bedroom door before she forces herself into the lift. She barely remembers the journey back to Luke's house. Standing on her tiptoes so she can reach the door handle, she shoves with all her might before the huge bitch of a door finally swings open to reveal Luke sitting cross-legged on the floor sniffing cocaine with Robert Lightwood who is engulfed in a Jabba-the-hut suit.

"Hey Lucy" Clary called, wiping her feet on the welcome mat.

"Hey hoe." He replies.

"Where's mum?"

"In Bethlehem, how should I know? What am I her husband or some shit?" Luke and Robert snicker in a childlike fashion.

Rolling her eyes, Clary scuttles into the kitchen, slamming the door. She steps up onto her stool so that she can open her fridge, eyeing the containers of cheesecake labelled: _**This is mine, bitch. It's big bad wolf food, so keep your stubby little fingers out it. **_Grabbing the ingredients for a sandwich, she jumps off of the stool and freezes. _What was that noise?_, she thinks, her eyes searching the cramped area. The sound seems to be emanating from within a small cupboard with a picture of several bananas assaulting a peach painted on the door. With shaking fingers, she flings open the flap to reveal a very overweight child bound and gagged and crammed inside the seemingly minuscule space. The sounds she heard were his choked cries for help and his nervous farting.

"What the fuck?" She murmurs, shutting the cupboard once more. She begins making her sandwich, tuning out the child's muffled cries by turning the radio up extra loud; so loud in fact that she did not hear the backdoor open behind her and she did not hear a certain Shadowhunter march inside.

"Who's that little girl over there?" says the chubby kid in the cupboard whose gag had now been removed and the cupboard door left open.

Clary spins to see Jace in a sparkly silver leotard in which he is stuffing oranges into to replicate breasts. When he is done, he grins, glancing at a now gaping Clary.

"What are you staring at? Jealous of my rack?" He flicks his wild hair out of his eyes, "Well I can't blame you. It must be hard having those mosquito-bite tits of yours." He laughs his enchanting laughed and burps his bacon flavoured burps while Clary stands watching, and clutches her sandwich in fear.

Jace twirls and lands gracefully on the dinner table; the chubby kid in the cupboard singing hymns and crying hysterically all the while.

"What are you doing here?" Clary stammers.

"Don't be afraid of me Clary-Fairy." He sings, leaping off of the table and gathering her into his arms. "I'm the only person you'll ever belong to."

Clary thinks immediately of Alec; the only person she _wants_ to belong to. But for now she'll have to make do with this psycho.

She gazes up at his honey-brown eyes and tries to smile but it just looks like a dying armadillo. Jace leans down to meet her lips with his own and Clary squeezes her eyes shut. She hears the fat cupboard kid singing a song about how there "ain't no mountain high enough" and is lost in the kiss until she hears a distinct flutter of bat wings and pulls away to see Simon humping a chair, on the verge of tears.

He looks down at her with anguish in his liquid brown eyes "Me and Iz broke up" he mutters, looking away in embarrassment.

"Ha-ha you fag." Clary sneers at the same time Jace squeals in delight, shoving Clary to the ground in disgust and running to Simon with pure untainted joy lighting his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, you gay hobo?" He shouts as Jace tries to unzip his fly. Simon bears his fangs and pushes Jace outside, banging the door shut "fucking crazy-ass son of a cockatoo." He mutters as he shuffles his way over to where Clary sits in a yoga position, rapping in Taiwanese with the chubby kid in the cupboard. Simon kneels beside her "I've got so much to tell you Fray." His voice cracks and he fumbles with the watch Isabelle had bought him; sliding it off his wrist, he flings it onto the furthest wall.

"I don't want to hear it, queer-o" she says, looking at his face with distaste.

Obviously, he begins chattering away anyway. Clary ignores everything he says; thinking instead of Jace's perfect lips caressing her own. She smiles to herself as Simon cries his freakish Vampire tears, thinking of how _her_ Jace might have really changed back to his old self. The chubby kid in the cupboard reached a crescendo just as a very much naked Robert Lightwood barges into Luke's small kitchen, his eyes blood-shot, his hair pointing to the ceiling.

"I can do anything! ANYTHING!" he screeches. And launches himself over the table, over to where Simon sits and advances to teabag Simon. Robert sings "eye of the tiger" as loud as his beer belly allows him and the cupboard boy joins in, fascinated. Robert abruptly finishes and stands up, leaving a shocked and mentally scarred Simon staring expressionlessly up at the ceiling. Snapping his head around, Robert eyes one of the walls; a daring look woven across his progressively more purple face, daring the wall to challenge him. He then charges at the wall only to be knocked to the ground and possibly concussed by the worthy opponent.

From the main room, they can hear Luke shrieking "I volunteer as tribute!" and a few accompanying crashes before he charges out of the front door with a battle cry marking his departure. Clary and Simon proceed to draw genitalia on Robert Lightwood's unconscious face and wait for Jocelyn to come home and explain this situation.


	4. Chapter 4

Simon traipses into his small, plain bedroom. He plops down onto the bed, sipping some chicken blood. He can hear Maya and Jordan arguing in the next room; no doubt the wolf-like howls of pain are coming from Jordan. Poor Jordan. Simon had wanted to help his friend escape from the clutches of the hairy abusive fiend that is Maya but he has his own problems and Jordan's sore behind would have to wait.

"_Hurry up, hoe, we're gonna miss the train." Simon had said in his best imitation of Barney the dinosaur as he shot Isabelle repeatedly with a BB gun._

"_Ow, baby I wish you'd stop doing that!" She'd yelp, skipping from side to side to dodge the plastic bullets._

_Simon didn't care, he kept on firing at the beautiful Shadowhunter until she had him pinned to the ground in a headlock. Simon squirmed and farted nervously "Heyyy, no fair! What's wrong with you, fucking psychopath?!" _

_Isabelle released him and sighed. He wasn't always like this. He used to be kind a timid and oh so gentle. But ever since his encounter with Raziel he had changed. He wasn't the same Simon she knew before. The one that she thought she'd loved. This Simon was constantly buying things with her credit-card and farting in her face—superfluously so—and was currently planning on an eight-day road trip with Alec to Vegas which he though Isabelle didn't know about. He was different. He wasn't the considerate, loving boy he once was, at least that's what Isabelle told herself. She needed something, anything to make what she'd done less severe, after all. _

"_Simon, honey, we need to talk." She mumbled almost intelligibly. Guilt and remorse were etched into every pore of her face. Her eyes were cast down, staring at the ground where a gay dying hobo struggled to roll over._

"_What is it bitch? You better not have eaten my jelly-babies." Simon sat down next to her on the park bench. "because this time there are gonna' be __**consequences**__!"_

_Isabelle's dark eyes darkened further, until she looked like some fucked up fairy alien goblin prostitute. She had indeed eaten Simon's jelly-babies although she did not plan on admitting it and adding to her list of misdeeds. "I...err...Simon; you know I'll always be there for you. And I'll always forgive you for whatever you do, and I expect you to do the same for me..." She cleared her throat as the gay dying hobo crawled over to the gutter and began vomiting profusely."I cheated on you." She let the words hang out in the open. There, she had said it. She felt a weight being lifted from her sculpted shoulders and almost smiled._

_Simon on the other hand was staring open-mouth at the woman he loved. Slowly he raised a trembling finger to point at the girl before him "you...__**youuuu**__..." he wailed leaping up from the park bench._

"_I can explain!" stammered Isabelle, clutching his pointing finger._

_Simon snatched it away immediately "No you can't! You're not even real! You're IMAGINARY! I'm gonna' imagine you away!" He squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his teeth. He looked like a constipated gnome. After approximately four minutes of imagining Isabelle away, he finally opened his eyes to see Isabelle gazing patiently back at him. "How did you __**do **__that, imaginary Iz?"_

_After that point, everything had been a blur. The first place he'd thought to go to for comfort was of course to Luke's house; to Clary. But she'd been no help. Clary simply sung 80s songs and combed her tangled ginger hair with a rake until Simon had been all cried out and left._

Simon falls back until his head hits the pillow and rubs his forehead where the scar from the Mark of David still remains. Oh how he longs to be indestructible, invincible again—Perhaps then this wouldn't hurt as much. True, he had cheated on Isabelle the first time they had dated but he thought things were different now. Simon chuckles at himself, first Clary left him for someone who was supposedly her brother and now Isabelle's leaving him for some fat warlock-trucker called Bendy-Ben. Simon doesn't even want to _think _about how he claimed the title but he has an idea.

There is a knock at the door and Simon detects some anxious breaths from the other side of the door with his super-mega-fucking-awesome vampire hearing. He rips all his clothes off and oils up, flicking his silky brown hair for no apparent reason and tearing the door off its hinges. Jace stiffens on the other side of the doorway, releasing a breath as he looked over the magnificent creature that is Simon.

"Can I help you?" Simon whispers, licking some excess chicken blood from his dewy lips. Jace is feeling lightheaded; however his pants are feeling anything but light. Simon, mistaking Jace's obvious sexual frustration for concern over his and Isabelle's relationship issues, softens "would you like to come in?"

Jace's eyes widen, he grabs his crotch in agony "Yes" comes his hoarse reply.


	5. Chapter 5

Sebastian eats his donut. Sebastian likes donuts. Ever since Clary left him for that blonde dude with the abs, donuts are Sebastian's best friends. Rubbing his ample cleavage, he lets out a hot burp and sings "Love the way you lie" in a falsetto that would have made Michael Jackson turn over in his grave. There is a knock on the door. Sebastian sings louder and rubs gravy more vigorously over his obese build. He can hear his visitor attempting to break down the door but continues to sing through his tears, rocking back and forth gently and squeezing his Spiderman doll in comfort.

The door finally gives and Sebastian whimpers as it does so, huddling closer to the wall. Footsteps, more than one pair. Closer and closer until he hears the handle of the living room door turn and the door swings open. He cannot make out the figures in the darkness, only that one is tall and very muscular whereas the other is dwarfed in comparison, feminine but childishly so.

"Who goes there" Sebastian squeals, hoping his ample belly-flab will protect him from weaponry.

He hears a slight chuckle and a familiar voice mutter something unintelligible. Then there is some shuffling and the unmistakable click of a gun. _This is it, _he thinks _this is the end. _Sebastian clutches his Obama blow-up doll tight as the bullet escapes the barrel of the gun and embeds itself into Sebastian's chest. Strangely, it does not hurt as much as Sebastian had expected. With one last thought about kebabs, he is plunged into darkness.

Clary shrieks with glee at the sight of her brother's crumpled remains.

"Silence peasant. It was only a tranquiliser." He tries fruitlessly to lift Sebastian's large frame.

Clary searches the room for evidence of any crimes but there is nothing except empty cans of tuna and gay-celibate-demon-priest-antelope porn. Sighing, she turns back to Jace and watches for a few moments as he licks gravy out of Sebastian's fat rolls. Isabelle and Alec appear at the doorway and aid him in carrying her brother out of the room. Clary is left alone in the small wreck of a living area. She notices a stack of books beside the urine-stained mattress and moves to inspect it only to realise that it is more porn.

Clary wonders what will happen now. Perhaps Sebastian will be executed or stripped of his marks and forced to live among the mundane or cast out into a torturous demon realm. For some reason this unsettled her. Clary remembers back to when she was "allied" with Sebastian, the scars that he bore as proof of his terrible childhood. For a moment a wave of pity overtakes her, so strong that she has to lean against the wall for support; and that's when she finds it. A normal person (of normal adult height) would have overlooked it completely but not Clary. It was a loose brick; almost imperceptible if not for the fact that it stands slightly askew and is perhaps a shade lighter than the rest of the bricks. Clary wets herself slightly and ever so carefully removes the brick from the wall; what is left inside makes her grunt in disappointment. A cheap silver bracelet lies hidden in the crevice of the wall. Why would Sebastian want to protect this? He is the owner of so many other great Morgenstern riches. Why go to such lengths to protect this piece of –

"Clary you shit-dick, we're leaving." Jace calls back, interrupting Clary's bemused pondering.

She quickly stuffs the bracelet into her pocket and hurries down to where the Lightwoods had crammed her brother into a cab. "Did you find anything Clary?" Alec murmurs in his penis-hardening drawl.

Clary feels a thrill as he says her name and stammers a barely audible "No" in reply. They all contort themselves so as to fit in the limited room of the cab. Clary is delighted to find that Alec's crotch is a mere 8 inches away from her butt-knuckle. She can just imagine reaching over and, just for a moment, laying her—

"CLARAAAY!" cries Jace, once again startling her out of her fantasy as he had done so many times before. "Guess where I was last night?"

"Watching grandma porn and raping ducklings?" she says with a longing glance at Alec.

"Almost!" Jace screeches with glee. "I was with my vampire prince Simon! We dressed up as characters from Doctor Who and made out with steak!"

Clary is momentarily speechless. "Simon? My Simon?" she stammers with some effort.

Jace shows her pictures on his phone of the two of them playing "cucumber hockey" in Dalek costumes. Jace's gloating tone and giggles of pleasure adds to Clary's blinding rage and jealousy as they pull up to the institute and begin hauling Sebastian out of the small cab. She races up to the lift without so much as a glance at her pompous boyfriend. With a grunt of unveiled fury, she kicks open the door to her room and tears out of her gear. _No one touches my bitch _she thinks, throwing a framed photograph of Simon and herself from when they were children, so hard against her wardrobe that Aslan gives her a roar of disapproval.

Clary grabs a seraph blade out from under her bead and, begins her journey to a well-known downworld drug corner near Harlem where Simon sells illegal hallucinogenic demon poisons for Magnus. When Clary finally arrives, Simon has just made another successful sale and grins widely when he spots her crouching among the bushes like a warrior pigeon.

Within seconds, Clary is in action; aggressively doing the worm while simultaneously waving her blade as high as her arms will let her. She continues this for a few more minutes until Simon warns her that she is scaring away customers. With a sigh of resignation, Clary sits morbidly on the cold hard ground, her small hands in fists at her sides.

"How could you, Si?" She says, her voice barely above a whisper.

"How could I what?" He says, sitting beside her.

"Jace told me what you did last night."

"Oh" is his only response. He begins blushing the way only a fledgling vampire can. "Clary, it was a mistake. I was so high on chicken blood and Isabelle had just broken my heart. You wouldn't even help me, Clary. I had no one to turn to and he was just _there."_

"That's no excuse!"

"Clary, you don't understand. She ripped out my heart through my ass. I love her so much it scares me. And I love her even more every time I think about her, which is constantly. Every time she even says my name or looks my way I...I just...she takes my breath away. I love her so much it hurts and it used to be a good pain like laughing too hard or sleeping for too long but now it's just pain. Have you ever felt like that Clary?"

"Yes! About Jace! And you took that away from me. I don't even know how it happened. He said it was because you bought him soup or something. He used to hate you and now all he talks about when we're together is you. It drove me crazy but I was willing to carry on or maybe try to fix it but then you go and have sex with him? Seriously? You know, Isabelle didn't even care. She doesn't love you anymore. She probably never did." Clary immediately regrets the words.

Simon blanches. "That's...That's not true. She loves me. I still have a chance." But Clary cannot meet his eyes. Simon is suddenly angry. "You're just so fucking selfish Clary. This past year it's been all 'oh my mother cares about my well-being too much' and 'oh I'm in love with my brother' and 'oh my boyfriend hates me' but you never stop to think about anyone else. You're just a spoiled little brat. Has it ever occurred to you that _I am no longer human,_ Clary? That my own mother thinks I am a monster? Not to mention how you judge everyone without even giving them a chance. Isabelle told me how you used to be such a bitch to her for no goddamn reason. Well maybe it's not everyone else who's wrong, Clary. Maybe you're wrong and you've just got to fucking deal with it."

Simon is panting from the speech and Clary is in shock. For a few minutes they sit in silence watching the traffic roll past. Simon is the one who breaks the silence with a sigh and a quiet apology. "I'm sorry, Fray."

"No, no _I'm _the one who's sorry. If you felt like that you should have told me, Si." She reaches to embrace her best friend. "I had no idea you felt that way."

"I didn't! I don't. I don't mean it. I swear. And I'm sorry about Jace."

Clary nods and that was that. Simon and Clary had never been the kind of friends who argue and weren't about to make a habit out of it. Together they catch a train and head back to Luke's house where they would watch old movies and talk about nothing important; just like the old days.

Author's note: Heygurlhey! I know I haven't updated in forever but I just lost inspiration for a while. This chapter is a little more serious than the others as I felt I kinda ruined Clary and Simon's relationship and really wanted to fix it. But don't you worry; the next chapter will be as nonsensical and random as always. Thank you for reading! Please review! Love you lots like jelly tots.

Pajamatime.


	6. Chapter 6

Clary takes a deep breath. Looking solemnly, into Jace's eyes she explains her deep feelings for Alec, choking back tears. Jace sits unperturbed, scratching his nipples tenderly.

"And so, that's why…I just think…it's best we go our separate ways. I want you to know it's not you it's me…A-and there's a bright side to this, you know? Now you and Simon can be together?" Clary says, clutching her turkey necklace with fear. Jace is still unstable and she has no idea how he will react.

Jace sits quietly for a long while, Clary gazing patiently up at him before he removes his earphones and grunts "did you say something?"

Clary groans with frustration as Jace makes a comment about ham and leaves. _What's the use?_She thinks,_He doesn't care either way._

Laying her head down on the crusty café table, she thinks as she often does often does of Alec's smile, his eyes, his curly hair but it isn't long till her train of thought swivels to the topic of his sexuality. He could never love her. Clary clenches her fists in fury and digs into her pockets to find her phone. Her hand meets a hard piece of metal which turns out to be Sebastian's cheap costume bracelet, found in his hideout. Clary looks at it for a long time, and at closer inspections, discovers a small compartment at the back. She moves to reveal the contents when someone elbows her in the face and screeches like a baby gazebo.

"Hay soul sistahh!" squeaks Jordan excitedly, plopping himself on the chair opposite Clary who hurriedly stuffs the bracelet into her pocket.

Jordan begins listing off the many ways Maia had managed to abuse him before breakfast and how many other ways she would abuse him when it becomes known to her how Jordan had failed to catch a baby deer for her.

Clary doesn't care if she's quite frankly honest. Jordan's squeaky voice and abnormally large head aggravates her to no end. She suggests a walk deep into the forest where she could secretly euthanize him however guessing the inevitable pain, Jordon refuses. Instead they walk to the institute to visit Sebastian.

Sebastian's rehabilitation had been a long process, 4 and a half hours to be precise. During which he had lost all his excess cellulite gained from months of binging. He had considerably improved upon his personal hygiene and disposed of all his porn. He was a new man. He had shed his evil disposition and had adopted a kinder more genuine smile; still Clary couldn't shake the nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. _Oh well_ she shrugs_probably my beaver fever acting up again._

Clary and Jordan enter the Institute drawing room to find all the Shadowhunters gathered round the large oak table. Maryse stands at the head rapping aggressively in Italian. Jace is staring longingly at a picture of a surprised Simon sitting on the toilet; Isabelle is texting her most recent downworlder boyfriend, Luke and Jocelyn are dirty talking about corn syrup, Maia is sharpening her butt-torture equipment and Magnus is sitting as far from Alec as he can, while nervously licking his elbows.

"Ah, Clary, Jordan; you're just in time." Maryse exclaims "Take a seat!"

Clary lets out a squeal of excitement before racing toward the seat beside Alec who rolls his eyes in response. Clary had spent the day with Simon and his band-mates who had taught her their best pickup lines, she had practiced and practiced and now she was ready. As Maryse starts her long winded speech, Clary seizes her opportunity.

"uh, hey Alec." She stammers.

"yo." Alec grumbles.

"s-so do you like dragons?"

"um...what?"

"b-because I'll be dragon my balls across your face tonight."

"I-I what" Alec turns beet red but this does not discourage Clary.

"you know, if I w-were and astronaut my first stop would be Uranus."

"are you... trying to be racist..or?"

"do you work at Subway?"

"what is subway?"

"because you just gave me a footlong!" Clary produces several gnomes and starts juggling to demonstrate her passion.

"are you high?"

"Are you Irish, Alec?

"What is even happening?"

"because when I look at you my penis be Dublin" Clary does the worm.

Alec silently rocks back and forth in the corner of the room, his arms around his knees like a scarred child as several antelopes gallop around him in sorrow.

"Enough!" Maryse strikes her fist against the table to call everyone to order. "The main reason I have gathered you here is because I have some excellent news. The New York Shadow hunter institute is about to welcome two new residents, I expect you to treat them with the upmost care and respect as they are widely revered shadowhunters."

" But aren't _we_ widely revered shadowhunters, Maryse?" Jace mutters.

"Yes but these people are prodigies. They don't pretend to be pregnant and glue bagels to my wall, Jonathan." Maryse yells.

Jace and Alec high five in response while doing their secret handshake which involved several crotch movements and a tree.

Maryse opens a bottle of vodka just as the institute bell rang. "that's them" Maryse squeals in an animalistic fashion.

She races downstairs to greet her guests while everyone else impersonates various sea creatures back in the drawing room. This, however, is called to halt as they lay eyes on the new shadowhunters.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Falin and Cristopher Hallows". Clary hears a sharp intake of breath from Alec's direction, glancing over, she sees him staring star-struck at the honey-haired boy at the drawing-room door. Openly seething, her eyes wander over to the girl who is quite obviously his sister; if their matching hair and catlike eyes were any indication.

Clary's immediate hostility towards anyone remotely more attractive than her leaves her with very few female friends however she vows to herself that she would befriend this girl. "hey I'm Clary but all my friends call me ball-breaker—"

"No one calls you that shitdick"

"Shut up Luke at least I have a dick" Clary flicks her hair with an air of superiority that no one dares challenge "Want me to give you a tour of the institute?"

Before any of the newbies have time to reply, Jace summersaults onto the table with a tribal shriek, rains chocolate sprinkles onto the newcomers and speaks in a menacing tone "If you two are so prestige how come we've never heard of you?"

"Because we weren't buttfucked by moonlit hobos on the eve of Jesus-day." murmers the girl, Falin. Jace bows his head in defeat and sprouts wings.

Clary proceeds her tour of the institute after which she shows them to their designated rooms to settle in.

While unpacking her belongings, Falin spots her antique trinket box in which she stores her demon narcotics. So entranced by the shimmering blue powder, she does not hear the heavy door fly open and a certain shadowhunter stroll in.

"watcha got there, homeskillet?"

Falin shrieks and tries to conceal the box behind her "It wasn't me it was the gypsies I swear!" she thrusts a haddock in his face and retreats further into her bare room.

"the sparrows fly south for the winter, child."

Falin quickly regains her composure as she regards the boy before her with uncertainty. He gazes back steadily and reveals a small box of his own with an assortment of demon drugs to which Falin grins widely in response.

"I'm Sebastian." He slouches down beside Falin's bed and gestures for her to join him as he cuts the greyish blue powder into lines.

"You're pretty" she takes the first sniff and sighs with pleasure.

"Thanks. My hands are big enough to cure typhoid."

Impressed, Sebastian glances at his own hands and realises that his bracelet is missing from his wrist. The only other place it could be is in the secret compartment of the crack house he was hiding out in. Ice cold fear pumps through his veins

Authors note: hai guys! Did you like this chapter? I wasn't too sure about it. :L please review and give me suggestions for the next chapter ^^ Shoutout to saphireshadow97 for sticking with me since the beginning (: you're awesome 3


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Clary sits awkwardly in Luke's tiny living room. She watches as Alec fawns all over the new recruit, Christopher. 'heh heh, more like Pisstopher. Am I right y'all?' She chuckles, high-fiving herself in approval. She watches as Jordan rocks nervously in the corner, sitting with his knees to his chest, staring longingly at a picture of a moose.

'Don't worry Jordan. It's gonna be alright. We're all here to support you.' Jordan looks up to see Magnus vigorously lubing up a jellyfish while the rest of his friends watch.

"Aw guys. I couldn't ask for better murder victims." There are genuine tears in Jordan's wolf eyes which he wipes away with his wolf paws as he wolfs down a bowl of vitamin D supplement pills. At Clary's questioning gaze he merely squints and giggles sheepishly, "what can I say, I want the D."

Jordan's ears perk up at the sound of Maia's pussywagon pulling into the driveway. "Oh no I can't do this" He yelps, shedding his scuba diving gear in fear.

"Look you have to stand up to her Jordan." Says Clary, giving him the mandatory upper-cut at his crotch for good luck just as the front door swings open and Maia swaggers in.

She was engaged in the act of picking nostril hair out of her armpit hair when she notices the giant "Intervention" poster stuck to the back of Luke's living room. "Bitch what is this?" She asks of Jordan, who after a few encouraging pummels from Clary, steps forward.

His hands shake as he reads the meaningful words he had scrawled onto his trout. "Maia at first I thought you were just a left buttock with a really great interest in Judaism but now I realize you're more than that, dude.

"What are you trying to do?"

"I realize you're more than a left buttock man."

"Why are you wearing my clothes?"

"you're like—" Jordan takes a minute to compose himself. "You're like two left buttocks, yo."

"I literally just came here to get jam."

"And for a long time I kept telling myself that. I said to myself 'Jordan, dawg, homeslice, my wigga. She's two left buttocks bro."

"Preach!" Yells Simon. Everyone nods in response.

"But Maia I can't take the abuse anymore." Beads of sweat roll freely down his furry forehead nipple. "I mean yesterday you made me hold a butterfly in my butt so long when it came out it was just a fly. How'd you do that Maia? How'd you take the butter out of the butterfly?'

"I-I see..."

"Said the blind man."

Jordan prepares to unleash a torrent of poorly developed puns when he is interrupted by a screech of undiluted horror.

They all charge through the front door at once. Clary stabs Luke's wall again for no reason.

"Whos' that little girl over there?" Someone says just as Jace comes into view.

He carries a pouch full of several gnomes and wears an expression of glee as he strolls up the sloped street leading to Luke's house. Several demons follow him; a kind of which the shadow-hunters had never seen.

They are wearing high-waisted denim shorts and comment repeatedly on how they 'read the book before the movie came out.'

Clary hides under the nearest bridge as she is too short to actually be of any use. She makes helpful remarks instead such as "violence" and "I approve". The bridge is pelted with gnomes of varying size and promiscuousness.

In the midst of the battle, while Alec makes hummus furiously, overwhelmed with passion and blood-lust, Falin hallows is struck by the Starbucks cup of an especially angry demon. In a last ditch attempt at survival she lunges at the demon and manages to impale it against the grass of Luke's lawn. The demon sprays thick green venom into her eyes and she falls to the ground in agony.

Their own battles fought, the Shadowhunters and werewolves gather around the fallen warrior. Her brother and Sebastian beatbox together in misery.

"I-I never liked kebabs." Whispers Falin. The somber faces of the shadowhunters show no sign of agreement. "Oh it's almost as if I am an insignificant character who has no real influence over the main plot of the story and is killed off as part of a mediocre writer's ploy to gain sympathy from the audience without harming characters to which she has emotional attachments."

"Don't say that Mandy" says Jordan, shaking his booty.

"Who's Mandy" She says before perishing into perpetual darkness.

The shadowhunters poke her repeatedly to make sure she is really dead and draw penises on her face to double check.

Jace looks on with a sheepish grin, "Too bad huh?" his pouch full of gnomes is poorly concealed in his vagina. "Guess I'll be…um…hitting the sack."

"It's only 3pm" says Clary

"Shut up you pregnant nun. By sack I mean ball-sack and by hitting I mean gently caressing and thinking of Simon."

"swag."


End file.
